A WOLF IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING

Ryder Silas aka BULA Vivas
(Photo courtesy of Kathleen W.)

You know, I like to keep informed on current events.  

So, I was reading a recent Garden Island review on the new movie, Red Riding Hood.  The critics blasted the movie as being too much like Twilight instead of having its own distinct spin of the famed children's fairy tale.

I, BULA, respectfully disagree.

The part of THE WOLF should have gone to me.    Part of that is my fault because I was trying out for American Idol the week that the HOOD people were in my hood.  (Ha-ha!  I just made a funny!)

Anyway, I had my own wardrobe designed by my mommy and aunty.  (See photo above...yeah, I know...I can't help it.  I'm just a STUD MUFFIN!)  

But you can see the charisma and the other undefined elements that make for great star chemistry.  I was fortunate and got a great set of genes from both parents to begin with.  Nevertheless, there is that certain--je ne sais quois!--animal appeal about me.  Like I said, I can't help it.  I got sheep following me around for days!

But, I know you gotta run!  Me, too...gotta buy some gifts at this shopping center in Oregon before I return home to Kauai.  

Let's see...there's Amy and Marianne and Desiree and Faith and Lisa and Lorna and Chelsea and...

Baaaa!  Baaaa!  I'm BULA, and I'm a BAAAAD BOY!

Aloha, everybody, until next time!  Thanks for kickin' it with me!

PS  Looks like I might have to redshirt the NFL season this year if there's a pro football strike.  Check out my last post to see what I'm talking about.

http://hawaiianodysseus2.blogspot.com/2011/01/what-to-do-what-to-do.html

                                     

CATTLE BARON OF KAUAI

Dylan Imaikalani Watanabe with His Holstein Friends
(Photo courtesy of Kathleen W.)

Hi, Friends!

I'm here at the world renown Tillamook Cheese Factory in Oregon doing some consultation work as well as general PR for some Hawaiian investment groups.

That's my new friends with me in the photo above--Molly No-Moo (a deaf mute at birth, probably the result of fertility drug usage by her Holstein mother) and her hanai aunty, Mama Cass.

Basically, the people at Tillamook wanted to know why the cattle at my Wailua Homesteads ranch (adjacent to The Sleeping Giant mountain on the island of Kauai) produce the best-tasting milk in the world.

I took a lesson from the Japanese ranchers, I told them.  Our Asian friends provide their cattle with generous amounts of beer.  It is not unusual to see stud bulls downing a 6-pack of Heineken or Michelob just prior to their wrestling matches with cows.  (That's how my mom explained what was happening when I asked her about the strange ritual I saw in the pasture one day.)  My dad added that the milk tastes better after a few of those matches...something about that's how Carnation derived its "contented cows" slogan.  

Hey, I have no reason to question my parents' efforts to educate me.  Look how far I've come in just five years!

Some Japanese cattlemen also rub sake on their cattle, a kind of meat tenderizing, I suppose.  This may explain why Kobe beef is "off the hoof!" (Please forgive me the pun; I just can't help myself sometimes.)

Well, being a five-year-old minor, I can't purchase beer.  So I thought, and I thought, and I thought again (making sure I had some mac 'n' cheese and chicken tenders--my absolute favorite brain foods!).  

Eureka!  I had my answer!

I went to every grocery store on the island--from Haena to Waimea--and bought all the bags of poi I could find.  Stopped at Hanalei and negotiated with the local farmers and stockbrokers for the best prices for taro futures.  In short, I cornered the market and ticked off not a few Hawaiians.  But I promised all that I would give them free samples of Dylan's Range Cattle Milk for their trouble.

Following the gargantuan poi purchase, I repeated the process and bought up all the bottles of guava jelly and jam I could find.

You may be wondering, and I couldn't blame you for wondering--Why did Dylan do this?

So, here's the rub.  (Again, I just can't help myself!)  

If I couldn't feed my cows beer, I'd give them massive amounts of POI followed by gallons of GUAVA JAM and JELLY!

I then had my paniolo aikane (Hawaiian cowboy friends) stampede the cattle!

Yep!  Are you getting the picture in living color now on your 50" Sony screen?

That's right!  I was essentially mixing up the potent ingredients and making my cattle drunk!

Well, in spite of the increase in cow manure the first few months (the cattle needed time to adjust to the new diet and forced running), MY, OH, MY! (as my late compadre and Mariners announcer, Dave Niehaus, would fondly say), my Hawaiian cows began producing the finest, velvety-rich, and memorable milk in the world.

So there you have it...another example of the old adage--Necessity is the mother of invention.

I learned from my Uncle Joe a long time ago--when I was just 2-1/2 years old and sitting in my sandbox--"Dylan, sometimes when life is being stubborn, why, you just gotta give it a kickstart!  You need to think OUTSIDE THE BOX!"  

I wasn't talking much in those days because I was busy taking in a lot of stimuli around me, but Uncle Joe intuitively understood that when I scratched my right elbow, I was asking, "Uncle, how do I think outside the box?"

"Like this, Dylan,"  he calmly said.  With that, he gently picked me up and deposited me outside the sandbox.  

So, ever since that small kid time, when I'm facing a problem and have mental constipation, I find a box to sit in for a few seconds...and then I promptly leave it and sit outside the box.  Whoa! The flood of thoughts that rush my mind is simply incredible!

Anyway, I digress...

But at least you get the picture and finally know how I, Dylan Imaikalani Watanabe, became the premiere CATTLE BARON OF KAUAI!

                        

NO MINCING WORDS, HUH, DYLAN?

Dylan and Uncle Joe
(Photo courtesy of Kathleen W.)

Dylan, I said SMILE, not SCOWL!

I can't help it, Uncle Joe!  This world-famous Dylhawk makes me want to stay in character all the time!

Dyl, do you think I'd look good with a Dylhawk?

Well, Uncle Joe, since you asked...

You gotta first have some hair...

                          

A GOBBLER RIDDLE

Turkey Crossing
(Photo courtesy of Ryan)

Why did the turkeys cross the street?




Because Sgt. York was calling to them.




                          

CAUGHT IN THE ACT!

Kona in a Compromising Situation
(Photo courtesy of Ryan A)

Uh, excuse me...


Do you people mind?  I'm trying to clean myself here!


Could I please just have a little space?


And quit snickering.  What?  Jealous 'cause I'm a lot more flexible than you'll ever be?


Get outta here!


And--hey!--I want exclusive rights to that photo!




                          

ST. PATRICK'S DAY--THE MYSTERY OF KAUA'S WHEREABOUTS

http://hawaiianodysseus2.blogspot.com/2011/03/st-patricks-day-but-wheres-cousin-kaua.html


Great-grandma Marion A., I love you very much, but I may have missed my flight to the mainland.


My two cousins, Kalau and Ryder, are looking for me.


Can't you folks read my body language?  I'm trying to tell you that I'm anxious to get going!


Hey!  Am I getting through to you guys?


Where's my cellphone?  Gotta call my cuzzes.


Eh, Kalau...Ryder!  Can you hear me?  Sorry I missed the plane ride.  Let me explain.


That Irish coffee was so delicious that I had four cups in a matter of minutes.  I must've passed out in the lobby.  Funny...I thought coffee is supposed to keep me up!


Next thing I know, I'm under house arrest and being grilled by my mom, dad, grandpa, grandma, and great-grandma Marion A.  As you can see, I was trying my bestest to get away from GGMA, but she had a stone cold grip on me.  Kept saying that it was for my own good.


After an hour of detention, they finally let me use my cellphone.


So, I'm here on Kauai, and you guys are over in Oregon.


Eh, you think you can save me some Irish coffee?


What?!?!  You drank it all up already?  Man, you guys humbug!  


Hmmpf!  I stay all nuha now!




                               

ST. PATRICK'S DAY--BUT WHERE'S COUSIN KAUA?

The Three (Oops!) Two Cousins Ryder and Kalau
St. Patruck's Day
(Photo courtesy of Erin and Pua)

Ryder:  Oh, no!  Where's Kaua?

Kalau:  What do you mean?  I thought he was with you!

Ryder:  You think he missed the flight from Lihue?

Kalau:  I dunno.  I was too busy drinking that Irish coffee.

Ryder:  What?!?!  You ordered IRISH coffee for

us?

Kalau:  Yeah, you said you needed a caffeine buzz!

Ryder:  Oh, no, Kalau!  I don't mind the caffeine...but Irish coffee also has whiskey in it!

Kalau:  Now you tell me.  Well, that explains what happened to Kaua.

Ryder:  Whaddaya mean, cuz?

Kalau:  Well...uh...last I saw of him, he was on his third cup!

http://hawaiianodysseus2.blogspot.com/2011/01/new-years-dilemma.html


http://hawaiianodysseus2.blogspot.com/2011/01/what-to-do-what-to-do.html


                                           

THE QUEST

Dylan Imaikalani Watanabe
5-Year-Old Paddleboard Champ
(Photo courtesy of Erin and Pua)

Captain's Log:  
03/18/2011 @ 1500 hours


I, Dylan Imaikalani Watanabe, am now departing from Aliomanu Beach, Kauai Island.


In a secret compartment of the hull of my paddleboard, there are ample provisions--dried fruit, macadamia nuts; beef, octopus, and aku jerky; and coconut meat and milk--for a 6-month voyage in the Pacific Ocean.


The continued search for new horizons and high adventures leads me to my latest mission.


I am in hot pursuit of THE GREAT WHITE...

JEFF PROBST!

And why?

Because I, Dylan Imaikalani Watanabe, am the one and only

ULTIMATE SURVIVOR!

P. S.  Mom, I'll be home in time for lunch.  Please make me my favorites--mac and cheese and chicken nuggets!

                        

PERSEVERANCE, PART 3

T-BALL RIVALS AND CLOSE COUSINS, NOAH AND MICAH
(Photo courtesy of Jan M.)

We cousins, Noah and Micah, had a great time today playing T-Ball.  Our coaches are the best!  Our parents are the greatest supporters!

As a gift to you, we want to share a few quotes from famous people about SUCCESS--you know, that wonderful thing that comes through PERSEVERANCE.

Until next time, ALOHA!

People rarely succeed unless they have fun in what they are doing.--DALE CARNEGIE

Progress always involves risk.  You can't steal second base and keep your foot on first.--FREDERICK B. WILCOX

The future depends on what we do in the present.--MAHATMA GANDHI

The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack of will.--VINCE LOMBARDI

The secret of achievement is to hold a picture of a successful outcome in the mind.--HENRY DAVID THOREAU

Most look up and admire the stars.  A champion climbs a mountain and grabs one.--AUTHOR UNKNOWN

                             

PERSEVERANCE, PART 2

A Triumphant Noah Rounds the Bases
(Photo courtesy of Jan M.)

YEAH!  That's what I'm talking about!

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!

I knew I could do it!

Grandma, make sure you take a picture, k?

                            

PERSEVERANCE, PART 1

Noah--The Face of Resolve
(Photo courtesy of Jan M.)



Okay...

Round 1 went to the T-ball pipe.

But I'm NOT giving up! 

I refuse to lay my bat down and just walk away.

Next time around, I'm determined to hit nothing but ball.

Just you wait and see!

                                       

I BE JAMMIN'!

A Perfect Day for Tanning
(Photo courtesy of Silas K. Aqui)


Visual oxymoron?

No, mon, just Jamaican dude doing his thing.

                                                    

SOLVING AN ANCIENT HAWAIIAN MYSTERY

Dylan Imaikalani Watanabe
Sporting the world-famous Dylhawk
(Photo courtesy of Silas K. Aqui)

Okay, gangie, I'm back!

Gotta tell you...the kids at school think my Dylhawk is the coolest thing.  I'm thankful for my liberal-minded parents.  They set firm boundaries for me, but they're also really cool about letting me learn important life lessons through actual experience.

Anyway, I've been curious for quite some time now as to why the ancient Hawaiian helmets, especially the feathered ones that were used exclusively by the kings and high-ranking chiefs, were crest-shaped.  You know, shaped like a rainbow.

And then, one day when I was looking in the mirror and debating whether to use gel on my Dylhawk or just go au naturel, it dawned on me how my hairdo had the very same shape.

Eureka!  That's it!  Those ancient ali'i--my very own ancestors-- were sporting Dylhawks!  Wow!  How cool is that?

So, kids, the lesson in all of this for us is that it's important for us to be true to ourselves, to try things that are new and awesome--as long as those activities aren't hurtful to others or ourselves--and to never stop dreaming!  

This is your favorite 5-year-old, Dylan Imaikalani Watanabe, signing out for now.  

And, remember, when you say your prayers tonight, please be sure to include the victims and families of those poor people in Japan who were devastated by the earthquakes and tsunamis.

Aloha and mahalo!

                              

DYLHAWK!

Dylan Imaikalani Watanabe
Sporting his very own Dylhawk
(Photo courtesy of Silas K. Aqui)

Okay, so here's the dilemma I was in...

I'm traveling to Seattle next week to go see my Uncle Joe, and I desperately needed a haircut.

Trouble was, I was between allowances, and I couldn't finagle an advance from Mom and Dad.  

So I took what I learned from my kindergarten business class and did the next best thing.  

I NEGOTIATED.

Ran down to the barbershop down the street operated by an old school Pake (Chinese) man.  You know, the one with the Spanish-sounding name--WAN AH KEE NO (Juan Aquino?).

Anyway, the dude was real tough to draw a bargain with, but after an hour of ranting and raving and hearing him gripe about "these kids nowadays!", I finally convinced him to cut my hair.

How did I do it?  Simple.  

The price of a child's haircut was $9.  I offered him $6 and tipped him with a Bazooka bubble gum.  Don't know if it was my determination or the piece of gum, but he went for it.

Result?  Well, he gave me a 67% haircut.


As soon as I can raise three more bucks, I'll go back and get the rest of it done.


Then again, this cut's growing on me. 


                                

A MESSAGE FROM OUR SPONSOR (#030711A)

Lone surfer at Kalihiwai Bay
(Photo courtesy of Silas K. Aqui)


LORDS OF THE FLY--

Hooked on Hooks!


Click here!

                             

THE BOY WITH THE CHESHIRE GRIN

SMILE!
(Photo courtesy of Silas K. Aqui)

Pua:      "Dylan, we found this  under your pillow."

Dylan:  "Aw, Mom!"

Pua:     "Whatever did you have in mind?"

Dylan:  "Well...last year, when my tooth broke off and I put it under my pillow, I got $2!  I figured that a big fish with hundreds of teeth would just about break the tooth fairy's bank!  I mean, I'd just about have that iPad 2 paid up before I even get it!"

Pua:      "Oh, Dylan!"

Dylan:  "By the way, Mom, how in the world did you find the fish?"

Pua:     "The SMELL!  Duh, Dylan!"

Dylan:  (Flashing his award-winning smile.)  "Mom, I oughta know by now that I just can't get anything past you.  No doubt in my mind where I get my smarts from!"

GGMA*:  (in background)  "Ah, this boy!"

*Dylan's great-grandmother, Marion A.

                                       

COMICAL PERSPECTIVE

Dylan Having Fun With the Media
(Photos courtesy of Silas K. Aqui)

Ah-hahahahahahahahaha!

You paparazzi crack me up!

You guys have it all backwards!

I'm not trying to do an impersonation of

Drew Carey...

Drew Carey made a career

out of  impersonating 

ME!