CATTLE BARON OF KAUAI

Dylan Imaikalani Watanabe with His Holstein Friends
(Photo courtesy of Kathleen W.)

Hi, Friends!

I'm here at the world renown Tillamook Cheese Factory in Oregon doing some consultation work as well as general PR for some Hawaiian investment groups.

That's my new friends with me in the photo above--Molly No-Moo (a deaf mute at birth, probably the result of fertility drug usage by her Holstein mother) and her hanai aunty, Mama Cass.

Basically, the people at Tillamook wanted to know why the cattle at my Wailua Homesteads ranch (adjacent to The Sleeping Giant mountain on the island of Kauai) produce the best-tasting milk in the world.

I took a lesson from the Japanese ranchers, I told them.  Our Asian friends provide their cattle with generous amounts of beer.  It is not unusual to see stud bulls downing a 6-pack of Heineken or Michelob just prior to their wrestling matches with cows.  (That's how my mom explained what was happening when I asked her about the strange ritual I saw in the pasture one day.)  My dad added that the milk tastes better after a few of those matches...something about that's how Carnation derived its "contented cows" slogan.  

Hey, I have no reason to question my parents' efforts to educate me.  Look how far I've come in just five years!

Some Japanese cattlemen also rub sake on their cattle, a kind of meat tenderizing, I suppose.  This may explain why Kobe beef is "off the hoof!" (Please forgive me the pun; I just can't help myself sometimes.)

Well, being a five-year-old minor, I can't purchase beer.  So I thought, and I thought, and I thought again (making sure I had some mac 'n' cheese and chicken tenders--my absolute favorite brain foods!).  

Eureka!  I had my answer!

I went to every grocery store on the island--from Haena to Waimea--and bought all the bags of poi I could find.  Stopped at Hanalei and negotiated with the local farmers and stockbrokers for the best prices for taro futures.  In short, I cornered the market and ticked off not a few Hawaiians.  But I promised all that I would give them free samples of Dylan's Range Cattle Milk for their trouble.

Following the gargantuan poi purchase, I repeated the process and bought up all the bottles of guava jelly and jam I could find.

You may be wondering, and I couldn't blame you for wondering--Why did Dylan do this?

So, here's the rub.  (Again, I just can't help myself!)  

If I couldn't feed my cows beer, I'd give them massive amounts of POI followed by gallons of GUAVA JAM and JELLY!

I then had my paniolo aikane (Hawaiian cowboy friends) stampede the cattle!

Yep!  Are you getting the picture in living color now on your 50" Sony screen?

That's right!  I was essentially mixing up the potent ingredients and making my cattle drunk!

Well, in spite of the increase in cow manure the first few months (the cattle needed time to adjust to the new diet and forced running), MY, OH, MY! (as my late compadre and Mariners announcer, Dave Niehaus, would fondly say), my Hawaiian cows began producing the finest, velvety-rich, and memorable milk in the world.

So there you have it...another example of the old adage--Necessity is the mother of invention.

I learned from my Uncle Joe a long time ago--when I was just 2-1/2 years old and sitting in my sandbox--"Dylan, sometimes when life is being stubborn, why, you just gotta give it a kickstart!  You need to think OUTSIDE THE BOX!"  

I wasn't talking much in those days because I was busy taking in a lot of stimuli around me, but Uncle Joe intuitively understood that when I scratched my right elbow, I was asking, "Uncle, how do I think outside the box?"

"Like this, Dylan,"  he calmly said.  With that, he gently picked me up and deposited me outside the sandbox.  

So, ever since that small kid time, when I'm facing a problem and have mental constipation, I find a box to sit in for a few seconds...and then I promptly leave it and sit outside the box.  Whoa! The flood of thoughts that rush my mind is simply incredible!

Anyway, I digress...

But at least you get the picture and finally know how I, Dylan Imaikalani Watanabe, became the premiere CATTLE BARON OF KAUAI!