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| Ryder Silas aka BULA Vivas (Photo courtesy of Kathleen W.) You know, I like to keep informed on current events. So, I was reading a recent Garden Island review on the new movie, Red Riding Hood. The critics blasted the movie as being too much like Twilight instead of having its own distinct spin of the famed children's fairy tale. I, BULA, respectfully disagree. The part of THE WOLF should have gone to me. Part of that is my fault because I was trying out for American Idol the week that the HOOD people were in my hood. (Ha-ha! I just made a funny!) Anyway, I had my own wardrobe designed by my mommy and aunty. (See photo above...yeah, I know...I can't help it. I'm just a STUD MUFFIN!) But you can see the charisma and the other undefined elements that make for great star chemistry. I was fortunate and got a great set of genes from both parents to begin with. Nevertheless, there is that certain--je ne sais quois!--animal appeal about me. Like I said, I can't help it. I got sheep following me around for days! But, I know you gotta run! Me, too...gotta buy some gifts at this shopping center in Oregon before I return home to Kauai. Let's see...there's Amy and Marianne and Desiree and Faith and Lisa and Lorna and Chelsea and... Baaaa! Baaaa! I'm BULA, and I'm a BAAAAD BOY! Aloha, everybody, until next time! Thanks for kickin' it with me! PS Looks like I might have to redshirt the NFL season this year if there's a pro football strike. Check out my last post to see what I'm talking about. |
Thursday, March 31, 2011
A WOLF IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING
Monday, March 28, 2011
CATTLE BARON OF KAUAI
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| Dylan Imaikalani Watanabe with His Holstein Friends (Photo courtesy of Kathleen W.) Hi, Friends! I'm here at the world renown Tillamook Cheese Factory in Oregon doing some consultation work as well as general PR for some Hawaiian investment groups. That's my new friends with me in the photo above--Molly No-Moo (a deaf mute at birth, probably the result of fertility drug usage by her Holstein mother) and her hanai aunty, Mama Cass. Basically, the people at Tillamook wanted to know why the cattle at my Wailua Homesteads ranch (adjacent to The Sleeping Giant mountain on the island of Kauai) produce the best-tasting milk in the world. I took a lesson from the Japanese ranchers, I told them. Our Asian friends provide their cattle with generous amounts of beer. It is not unusual to see stud bulls downing a 6-pack of Heineken or Michelob just prior to their wrestling matches with cows. (That's how my mom explained what was happening when I asked her about the strange ritual I saw in the pasture one day.) My dad added that the milk tastes better after a few of those matches...something about that's how Carnation derived its "contented cows" slogan. Hey, I have no reason to question my parents' efforts to educate me. Look how far I've come in just five years! Some Japanese cattlemen also rub sake on their cattle, a kind of meat tenderizing, I suppose. This may explain why Kobe beef is "off the hoof!" (Please forgive me the pun; I just can't help myself sometimes.) Well, being a five-year-old minor, I can't purchase beer. So I thought, and I thought, and I thought again (making sure I had some mac 'n' cheese and chicken tenders--my absolute favorite brain foods!). Eureka! I had my answer! I went to every grocery store on the island--from Haena to Waimea--and bought all the bags of poi I could find. Stopped at Hanalei and negotiated with the local farmers and stockbrokers for the best prices for taro futures. In short, I cornered the market and ticked off not a few Hawaiians. But I promised all that I would give them free samples of Dylan's Range Cattle Milk for their trouble. Following the gargantuan poi purchase, I repeated the process and bought up all the bottles of guava jelly and jam I could find. You may be wondering, and I couldn't blame you for wondering--Why did Dylan do this? So, here's the rub. (Again, I just can't help myself!) If I couldn't feed my cows beer, I'd give them massive amounts of POI followed by gallons of GUAVA JAM and JELLY! I then had my paniolo aikane (Hawaiian cowboy friends) stampede the cattle! Yep! Are you getting the picture in living color now on your 50" Sony screen? That's right! I was essentially mixing up the potent ingredients and making my cattle drunk! Well, in spite of the increase in cow manure the first few months (the cattle needed time to adjust to the new diet and forced running), MY, OH, MY! (as my late compadre and Mariners announcer, Dave Niehaus, would fondly say), my Hawaiian cows began producing the finest, velvety-rich, and memorable milk in the world. So there you have it...another example of the old adage--Necessity is the mother of invention. I learned from my Uncle Joe a long time ago--when I was just 2-1/2 years old and sitting in my sandbox--"Dylan, sometimes when life is being stubborn, why, you just gotta give it a kickstart! You need to think OUTSIDE THE BOX!" I wasn't talking much in those days because I was busy taking in a lot of stimuli around me, but Uncle Joe intuitively understood that when I scratched my right elbow, I was asking, "Uncle, how do I think outside the box?" "Like this, Dylan," he calmly said. With that, he gently picked me up and deposited me outside the sandbox. So, ever since that small kid time, when I'm facing a problem and have mental constipation, I find a box to sit in for a few seconds...and then I promptly leave it and sit outside the box. Whoa! The flood of thoughts that rush my mind is simply incredible! Anyway, I digress... But at least you get the picture and finally know how I, Dylan Imaikalani Watanabe, became the premiere CATTLE BARON OF KAUAI! |
Sunday, March 27, 2011
NO MINCING WORDS, HUH, DYLAN?
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| Dylan and Uncle Joe (Photo courtesy of Kathleen W.) Dylan, I said SMILE, not SCOWL! I can't help it, Uncle Joe! This world-famous Dylhawk makes me want to stay in character all the time! Dyl, do you think I'd look good with a Dylhawk? Well, Uncle Joe, since you asked... You gotta first have some hair... |
Sunday, March 20, 2011
A GOBBLER RIDDLE
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| Turkey Crossing (Photo courtesy of Ryan) Why did the turkeys cross the street? Because Sgt. York was calling to them. |
CAUGHT IN THE ACT!
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| Kona in a Compromising Situation (Photo courtesy of Ryan A) |
Uh, excuse me...
Do you people mind? I'm trying to clean myself here!
Could I please just have a little space?
And quit snickering. What? Jealous 'cause I'm a lot more flexible than you'll ever be?
Get outta here!
And--hey!--I want exclusive rights to that photo!
Friday, March 18, 2011
ST. PATRICK'S DAY--THE MYSTERY OF KAUA'S WHEREABOUTS
http://hawaiianodysseus2.blogspot.com/2011/03/st-patricks-day-but-wheres-cousin-kaua.html
Great-grandma Marion A., I love you very much, but I may have missed my flight to the mainland.
My two cousins, Kalau and Ryder, are looking for me.
Can't you folks read my body language? I'm trying to tell you that I'm anxious to get going!
Hey! Am I getting through to you guys?
Where's my cellphone? Gotta call my cuzzes.
Eh, Kalau...Ryder! Can you hear me? Sorry I missed the plane ride. Let me explain.
That Irish coffee was so delicious that I had four cups in a matter of minutes. I must've passed out in the lobby. Funny...I thought coffee is supposed to keep me up!
Next thing I know, I'm under house arrest and being grilled by my mom, dad, grandpa, grandma, and great-grandma Marion A. As you can see, I was trying my bestest to get away from GGMA, but she had a stone cold grip on me. Kept saying that it was for my own good.
After an hour of detention, they finally let me use my cellphone.
So, I'm here on Kauai, and you guys are over in Oregon.
Eh, you think you can save me some Irish coffee?
What?!?! You drank it all up already? Man, you guys humbug!
Hmmpf! I stay all nuha now!
ST. PATRICK'S DAY--BUT WHERE'S COUSIN KAUA?
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| The St. Patruck's Day (Photo courtesy of Erin and Pua) Ryder: Oh, no! Where's Kaua? Kalau: What do you mean? I thought he was with you! Ryder: You think he missed the flight from Lihue? Kalau: I dunno. I was too busy drinking that Irish coffee. Ryder: What?!?! You ordered IRISH coffee for us? Kalau: Yeah, you said you needed a caffeine buzz! Ryder: Oh, no, Kalau! I don't mind the caffeine...but Irish coffee also has whiskey in it! Kalau: Now you tell me. Well, that explains what happened to Kaua. Ryder: Whaddaya mean, cuz? Kalau: Well...uh...last I saw of him, he was on his third cup! |
http://hawaiianodysseus2.blogspot.com/2011/01/new-years-dilemma.html
http://hawaiianodysseus2.blogspot.com/2011/01/what-to-do-what-to-do.html
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